if i wasn't your friend, i would probably hate you..

...and other truths about the characters you know

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Monday, 26 April 2010


Dear ex-housemate,

Congratulations! You moved out. I hate to say it, I really do but this couldn't be better timing. Your incessant whining and shrill voice was starting to do my fucking head in . The way you paraded your fat stomach around in the mornings put me off my bran flakes and every Friday when you got your chubby biscuit-coloured legs out made me want to chunder.
Even from the first moment I moved in I knew I could hate you. You had been drinking and were dancing on the kitchen table like something out of an American teen film, except you weren't hot. You looked ridiculous and I cringed. I cringed harder than ever before.
Your fake black hair next to that orange skin looks horrendous. You used to leave your door open so it was impossible to get away from the noise that religiously blasted from your bedroom. Cringey pop everyday. Back street Boys. Once I heard the cheeky girls.
And every time I see you, you ask me fucking ridiculous questions, but always start the sentence with a little kid's remark, "Ummm Thom, I know I sound stupid but....?". Yes you do sound stupid. If you don't know how many days February has- go look it up on the fucking internet, bitch. And don't try to hug me when you are drunk, you make my skin crawl.
Harsh, yes. But there's only some many times you can push the boundary between inquisitive and damn right nosey. I don't want to tell you about my life, that's why I pretend I can't hear you, why I don't make it to events you are going to, why when you saw me upset that one time I pretended I had fucking chilli in my eyes. And I don't want to hear about your life either. It's mundane as fuck. And you dramatise every single thing. Going to get chips is a big deal. An offer at Tesco's doesn't interest me, because the food you buy makes me want to have an eating disorder. The freezer was constantly full of your microwave meals and pizza and chips in a box. And you wonder why you have acne? Really? But let's not forget you were proud of your body..
However, what really has scarred me is the sound of your voice. I can hear it still. That city twang even though you are from the country..and how you started every sentence with "urrrgh/ummmm/errrrrr.." as loud as you possibly could, as if desperate to be heard. We CAN hear you. Pipe down slut.
I am sorry you are having "family difficulties", but perhaps this is a turning point in your life. Maybe this experience will change your selfishness, ignorance and arrogance. Perhaps you will learn to speak to people like a human being. But probs not. I'm just glad I wont ever get the chance to walk in on you and your chavvy boyfriend doing doggy ever.again.

Seeeee ya


p.s. i think i might just turn up to your leaving do

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